Ep 3 Loving Through the Storm: When Your Parent’s Memory Fades

Well, welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Hi, my name is Reginald Reglus and I am glad you are here today. I am a fellow caregiver.  I have been serving my mom for about 10 years after she was diagnosed with dementia. I say that to impress upon you that I personally understand the challenges of caregiving. 

But before we go any further, it is important to note that this is not medical, financial or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you are dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action. 

Now please listen closely my caregiving friends, today’s podcast highlights a difficult and painful situation many caregivers face: caring for a parent who once gave so much support and love, yet now, due to dementia, behaves in ways that feel hurtful, foreign and sometimes downright scary. This leads to intense feelings of grief, exhaustion, guilt, and even resentment as the disease alters the personality of a beloved parent, creating distressing memories in a home once filled with warmth. I know that balancing this caregiving role while honoring one's own needs and processing the loss of the "parent you knew" is immensely challenging.
It’s a journey of love, patience, and resilience. And today I want to share seven strategies to help you not just cope, but also find moments of peace, compassion and empowerment. Stick with me until the end because each strategy is important, and I am going to throw in a bonus strategy.

Here is strategy 1: Separate the Person from the Disease
The first step is to remember that the anger, frustration, and even hurtful words come from the disease, not from your true parent. Dementia changes a person’s brain, often causing behaviors that are out of character. Even though they may look the same, their brains are functioning differently, causing them to act differently. I often had to say to myself, that is not my mom talking or behaving this way, it is dementia. When you can see these difficult interactions as the result  of the illness, it’s easier to feel less personally hurt and approach caregiving with empathy and compassion.
Here is what I would like you to do for yourself: Think of a moment when your parent’s words or actions didn’t seem like them. Remind yourself that this is the disease talking, not the parent who loved and nurtured you. And frankly this applies to any loved one that is suffering from dementia.

Ok, strategy two,  Honor the Past Relationship
Reflect on the good memories and the love and support your parent showed you before dementia. Honoring those past moments can serve as a foundation for compassion, even when they’re difficult to reach now. Holding onto these memories reminds you of who your loved one was, providing a comforting anchor as you navigate the present.
Here Is a Suggestion to help you navigate this strategy. Take a moment to remember or even journal about a cherished memory with your parent. This can help create an emotional buffer, reminding you of the love that still exists even if it’s harder to see.

Strategy 3, Take Breaks and Accept Help
Caregiving can feel all-consuming, so give yourself permission to take breaks often. If family or friends offer to help, take them up on it, even if it’s just for a short time. Regular breaks help restore your energy and well-being, which makes you a stronger, more compassionate caregiver. This one was hard for me at the beginning because I have always been an independent get-it-done-myself person. I think it’s the generation X in me. I have since learned to take all the help I can get. 
Here's a Tip: Make a list of tasks others could help with, like running errands or providing company for your parent. When people ask, you’ll have ready suggestions to make saying “yes” easier. And don’t be surprised that they may be taken aback because you said yes. Follow through and let them do what they said. They will be helping you, your loved one and even themselves. Think of it as giving them the opportunity to be unselfish.
Before I go to strategy 4, I want to throw a bonus one in here. You have to learn to laugh and use humor. Let’s say you love one keeps telling you the same story, all day. By the fourth or fifth time, try to jazz it up a bit, throwing in some extra details. Like, like, 'And then the llama showed up!' And she will probably be like, 'That’s exactly what happened!  Things like this help break the tension.
Strategy 4 is this, Set Boundaries to Protect Yourself
It’s essential to protect your mental health by setting personal boundaries. Decide how much time you can give and what kinds of behaviors are manageable for you. Setting limits isn’t failing to care; it’s showing care for yourself so you can continue this journey without burning out.
Here is an Example: A boundary could be setting specific visiting or caregiving hours, or deciding not to respond when conversations become abusive. Boundaries will help you sustain the care you give.

Ok, here are the last three strategies I will share., Strategy 5 is to Create a Supportive Environment
Find people who understand what you’re going through. Support groups, whether online or in person, can offer practical advice, shared experiences, and emotional relief. Hearing from others who face similar challenges helps you feel less isolated and can offer new ideas for handling difficult situations.
Quick Tip for you: Check out local or virtual caregiver support groups. These can be a great way to find understanding, connection, and advice from people who are in the same situation.

Here is strategy 6. Prioritize Self-Care and Mental Health
To avoid burnout, prioritize your own physical and emotional health. Eating well, staying active, and finding time to rest can make a big difference in your resilience. Therapy or counseling can also be invaluable, helping you process feelings of grief, guilt, or resentment without judgment.
Here is a easy practical exercise: Set a daily goal for self-care, whether it’s a 10-minute walk, reading a chapter of a book, or a quiet moment with tea. These small acts add up, giving you the strength to face each day.

This last strategy is very important, Give Yourself Permission to Make Difficult Choices
Sometimes, the best choice for both you and your parent may be a specialized care facility. This decision is valid and doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them; rather, you’re choosing what’s safest and most supportive for everyone involved. Remember, your health matters too.
This strategy may require a Mindset Shift. I would like you to reframe this choice as ensuring your parent gets the best care possible while honoring your own needs.

Let me say this as we close, know that you’re not alone on this journey. Dementia changes relationships in heartbreaking ways, but by honoring both your parent and yourself, you can navigate this path with compassion and resilience. Remember to lean on these strategies, reach out for support, and allow yourself grace in this challenging but rewarding role.
Well that’s it for today. This is Reginald Reglus and I hope you will join me and tell a friend about our podcast, Caregiving secrets. Talk to you soon.