S2 Ep 9 - Calm the Storm: How to De-Escalate Aggression in Dementia Care

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Let me just say, for our repeat listeners, I am so grateful for you and I am confident that you will continue to grow by listening and applying those things that resonate with you. For our new listeners, I say Welcome and thanks for joining me today, and I’m so glad you’re here. Today, we’re continuing our 5-part series, Navigating Aggression as a Dementia Caregiver.

Also, please remember that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you’re dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.

In today’s episode, we’re tackling a sensitive yet essential topic: how to de-escalate aggression when it happens. Aggression can come out of nowhere—one moment, your loved one is calm, and the next, they’re lashing out. In those moments, it can feel overwhelming and even frightening. But there are ways to manage these situations effectively, keeping both you and your loved one safe.

Let me start with a scenario. Imagine a caregiver named Elena, who is helping her mother get dressed for the day. Her mom struggles with the buttons on her shirt, growing visibly frustrated. Elena, hoping to help, steps in to assist. But her mother pulls back, yelling, “Leave me alone!” Elena is startled and unsure how to respond. She reaches for her mom’s hand, but her mother swats it away, escalating the tension.

What should Elena do? The instinct to immediately calm or correct her mother is natural, but in situations like this, it’s often better to step back—both physically and emotionally.

When aggression arises, the first step is to pause. Take a deep breath. Your loved one’s brain is already in a heightened state, and adding your own stress or urgency can make things worse. Staying calm in your tone and body language is crucial. Speak softly and slowly, using simple, reassuring words like, “It’s okay. I’m here to help.”

According to research from the National Institute on Aging, aggression in dementia often stems from fear or frustration. Understanding this can shift your perspective. Instead of seeing the aggression as an attack, view it as an expression of their unmet needs or inability to cope. For Elena’s mom, the frustration of struggling with buttons—combined with the vulnerability of needing help—may have triggered her reaction.

Once you’ve paused, the next step is to give them space. If the aggression is verbal, step back but remain in the room. This shows that you’re still there for them but not crowding them. If the aggression is physical, prioritize your safety. Move to a safe distance while keeping an eye on your loved one.

The third step is redirection. Aggression often burns out quickly when the situation changes. Redirect their focus to something soothing or engaging. For example, Elena could say, “Why don’t we take a little break? Let’s go sit by the window and have some tea.” This gentle pivot helps shift the energy away from the source of frustration.

Let’s talk about what not to do. Arguing or trying to reason with someone in the middle of an aggressive episode rarely works. Statements like “You’re overreacting” or “Calm down” can escalate their emotions further. Instead, validate their feelings. If they’re frustrated, acknowledge it: “I can see this is hard right now. Let’s take a moment.”

Another key to de-escalation is understanding your own triggers. As caregivers, we’re human too. If you notice that certain situations or reactions make you feel stressed or defensive, take note of them. Knowing your limits allows you to prepare and respond more effectively.

Here’s a practical tip: prepare a de-escalation toolkit. This could include a playlist of calming music, a favorite blanket or object, or even a snack they love. Having these items on hand can make it easier to redirect their focus in the heat of the moment.

And don’t forget to reflect after the episode has passed. Ask yourself: What might have triggered the aggression? Was it physical discomfort, emotional distress, or confusion? By understanding the root cause, you can take steps to prevent similar episodes in the future.

In Get Risen, there’s an affirmation that feels especially relevant here: “I am done with stressing because I am living in the blessing.” This doesn’t mean the stress disappears, but it reminds us to ground ourselves in the truth that caregiving is an act of love. The more we focus on responding with patience and grace, the more we create a safe, supportive environment for our loved one.

If you’re navigating aggression in your caregiving journey, remember: you’re not alone. These moments don’t define you or your loved one. They’re challenges to navigate, and with the right tools and mindset, you can handle them.

As always, I invite you to join our Facebook community at bit.ly/CaregiverSecretsOnFacebook. Share your experiences, learn from others, and find support among caregivers who understand exactly what you’re going through. If this episode was helpful, please share it with another caregiver—it might be exactly what they need to hear.

Until next time, take care of yourself and your loved one. You are doing extraordinary work, and your presence matters more than you know. You’ve got this.