S4 Ep 8 The Guilt Trap: Why Every Caregiver Feels It—And How to Finally Break Free!

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Note: This podcast is not medical, financial, or health advice. Consult professionals for specific concerns. I aim to inform and support, but your actions are your responsibility. Let's begin.

David had always been a problem-solver. As a software engineer, he spent his days writing complex code and fixing issues before they escalated. But nothing in his career had prepared him for the emotional weight of caregiving. His wife, Ellen, had been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s, and with every passing day, he felt himself slipping into a cycle of guilt and self-doubt.

No matter how much he did, it never felt like enough. If he took time for himself, he felt selfish. If he focused solely on Ellen, he felt like he was losing himself. He questioned whether he was doing things the "right way." Should he have caught the symptoms earlier? Should he be more patient when she repeated herself for the tenth time in five minutes? Was he failing her every time he felt exhausted?

One night, after a particularly challenging evening where Ellen had refused to eat and had become agitated, David sat in the kitchen, head in his hands. The guilt weighed him down like a stone.

Then, he remembered something his support group leader had said: "Guilt is not proof of wrongdoing. It’s proof that you care."

The words hit him like a revelation. He had been measuring himself against an impossible standard—one where perfection was the only acceptable outcome. But caregiving isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence. It’s about showing up, doing your best, and giving yourself grace when things don’t go as planned.

The next day, David made a shift. Instead of beating himself up over what he could have done differently, he started focusing on what he was doing right. He reminded himself that being present for Ellen, loving her, and adapting as best he could was enough.

Caregiver guilt is one of the most common emotions we face. It can make us feel like we’re never doing enough, that we should be handling things differently, or that our loved one’s struggles are somehow our fault. But guilt often lies.

Here’s why:

First, guilt can stem from unrealistic expectations. Many of us believe we should be able to do it all—care for our loved one, maintain our household, work, stay emotionally strong, and never need a break. But that’s an impossible standard. You are human, and no human can do everything alone.

Second, guilt can come from the past. Maybe there were things you wish you had done differently. Maybe you weren’t as patient as you wanted to be yesterday, or you missed a doctor’s appointment because you were too exhausted to keep track of everything. But dwelling on the past doesn’t change it. What matters is what you do today.

Third, guilt sometimes disguises itself as love. We feel guilty because we love our family members so much. We want to take away their suffering. We want to make things easier for them. But some things are out of our control. No amount of guilt will change the fact that dementia is a progressive disease. No amount of guilt will undo years of medical conditions. And carrying guilt doesn’t help our loved ones—it only drains us of the energy we need to care for them.

So how do we move forward?

1. Reframe guilt into grace. Instead of asking, "Am I doing enough?" try asking, "Am I doing my best today?" If the answer is yes, then that is enough.
2. Let go of perfection. Caregiving is messy, unpredictable, and often exhausting. No one does it perfectly. What matters is that you show up, not that you get everything right.
3. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. Would you ever tell a fellow caregiver, "You’re a failure" or "You’re not doing enough?" Of course not! So why say it to yourself?
4. Give yourself permission to rest. Guilt often makes us feel like we can’t take a break, but rest isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
5. Remind yourself of the bigger picture. Your loved one may not always remember what you did for them, but they will always feel the love behind it. Even if they can’t express it, they know, deep down, that they are being cared for.

And when guilt creeps back in, as it inevitably will, remind yourself of this mantra from Get Risen: "I am giving my best, and my best is enough." Say it aloud. Write it down. Carry it with you. Because it’s true.

I’d love to hear from you. Have you struggled with caregiver guilt? How have you learned to manage it? Share your story in the comments or email me. And if this episode resonated with you, don’t forget to subscribe and share it with another caregiver who might need it today.

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Finally, I’d love for you to grab a free copy of my book, Get Risen. It’s written by a family caregiver for caregivers, and you can get it at bit.ly/GetRisen.

Caregiving is hard, but you are not alone. Let’s keep learning, growing, and finding new ways to bring more peace to our journey. Until next time, take care. And please remember, you’ve got this!