S2 Ep 6 - When Fear Turns to Aggression: The Hidden Triggers Every Caregiver Must Know

 

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Hi, my name is Reggie, and I am glad you are here today. I am a fellow caregiver and have been for over 10 years. I say that to let you know that I am right there alongside you on this caregiver journey.

 

Today we will be starting our 5 part series called Navigating Aggression as a Dementia Caregiver.

Before we go any further, please note that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you are dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.

When you think about caring for a loved one with dementia, aggression isn’t usually the first thing that comes to mind. It’s unexpected, unsettling, and, let’s face it, it’s downright heartbreaking. Imagine this: you’re helping your loved one get ready for the day. Everything seems normal until suddenly, they lash out—yelling, maybe even striking your arm. It feels like the ground beneath you has shifted. Where did this come from? What did I do wrong?

The truth is, you didn’t do anything wrong. Aggression in dementia isn’t about you. It’s often a response to fear, confusion, or pain. These emotions can overwhelm a person who is already struggling to understand a world that no longer makes sense. Their actions, as hard as they are to experience, are rooted in the disease—not in who they are or were.

When my mom was first diagnosed with dementia, she was the sweetest soul you could imagine. But as the disease progressed, there were moments when she would yell, “Get out of my house!” It stunned me. My first instinct was to freeze, and then I’d quietly step away. I didn’t know what else to do. But I started to notice something. If I left for a few minutes and came back, her anger was gone, as if nothing had happened. Over time, I realized her aggression wasn’t about anger—it was fear. For that brief moment, she didn’t recognize me, didn’t feel safe, and her brain responded with fight or flight.

I started to use those five minutes to reset myself, too. I’d take a breath, remind myself that her fear was not her fault, and return to her with a calm presence. Eventually, I shared this technique with other caregivers on my team, and it worked for them as well. Sometimes, all it takes is a little space for both you and your loved one to reset.

So why does aggression happen? Let’s break it down. According to research from the National Institute on Aging, aggression often stems from three main triggers: fear, pain, or confusion. Fear might come from not recognizing their environment or the people around them. Pain, which they may not be able to articulate, could be physical—like arthritis—or emotional, like the loss of independence. Confusion arises when they don’t understand what’s happening, such as being asked to do something they no longer remember how to do.

But knowing why it happens is only part of the solution. The real question is, how do you respond? The first step is to take a breath. Your instinct might be to react immediately—whether with words or by trying to stop the behavior—but in these moments, staying calm is your superpower. Your calmness can help de-escalate the situation and prevent it from escalating further.

Next, try to evaluate what’s triggering the aggression. Is the environment too noisy or overstimulating? Are they in pain? Have they been startled? Understanding the root cause allows you to approach the situation with compassion rather than frustration. For example, if you suspect pain, gently ask, “Does anything hurt?” or try to observe their body language. If it’s fear, step back, give them space, and reintroduce yourself if needed.

Another key strategy is prevention. While you can’t stop every episode of aggression, you can reduce the likelihood by creating a calm and predictable environment. If you know a doctor’s visit might overwhelm them, plan ahead. Bring something comforting—a familiar blanket, soft music, or even a snack they love.

I know how hard this can be. Watching someone you love lash out, knowing it’s the disease and not them, doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, even angry. But don’t let those feelings isolate you. Share what you’re going through with someone who understands—whether it’s a friend, a caregiver support group, or our Facebook community at bit, dot, Lee, forward slash Caregiver Secrets On Facebook. You’re not alone in this.

I’ll leave you with this: when aggression happens, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present. It’s about showing up with love and doing the best you can in that moment. Caregiving isn’t easy, but it is powerful. Every moment you choose love over frustration, patience over anger, and understanding over judgment, you are making a difference.

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another caregiver who might need to hear these words. Join our community on Facebook for more support and encouragement. Together, we can navigate this journey with grace and strength. Until next time, take care of yourself, dear caregiver. You’re stronger than you think, and you’re never alone.