S2 E4 - When Your Loved One Loses Abilities: Will You Break or Break Through Caregiver?

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Hi, my name is Reggie, and I am glad you are here today. As a caregiver for my mom for over 10 years let me just say, I get you and I see you. If you feel invisible sometimes, know that you are not invisible to me. I share your struggles and your joys on this amazing, wonderful, challenging and sometimes frustrating caregiving journey.

Before we go any further, as always, please note that none of my episodes, from the beginning of this podcast until the end is to be considered medical, financial, health or any other type of advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you are dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can and share my knowledge but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.

Let’s get into this today. When you're a caregiver for someone with dementia, one of the hardest things to face is the slow, relentless loss of abilities. These changes don’t announce themselves all at once; they sneak in little by little, and before you know it, life looks completely different. Today, I want to talk about handling those changes—how to recognize them, adapt to them, and navigate the emotions that come with them.

Let me share a story about my mom. There was a time when she started to lose the ability to use a fork and spoon. Now, it didn’t happen overnight. At first, it was small things. She’d be in the middle of a meal, and suddenly, she’d just stop. I’d watch her look at the fork, almost like it was unfamiliar, and for a moment, she didn’t seem to know what to do with it. Then, as if a switch flipped, she’d remember and carry on eating like nothing had happened.

That was my cue. Those little pauses were the signal that something was changing. I’m not one to write down the exact day and time when something shifts—I just know that slowly, those moments became more frequent. Eventually, the ability to use utensils faded entirely. And without missing a beat, I started feeding her.

Now, I wish I could tell you that was easy, but it wasn’t. Emotionally, it was hard. There’s a grief that comes with seeing someone you love lose even the simplest abilities. To this day, when I think back on those moments, I feel the weight of that grief. But at the same time, there’s this deep gratitude that I was there to help her, to step in and compensate for what she could no longer do.

Here’s the thing about these changes: they’re not just practical challenges; they’re emotional ones too. You’re not only figuring out how to help your loved one, but you’re also coming to terms with what this loss means for them—and for you.

So how do we handle these changes? How do we face the grief and adapt to what’s needed? Here’s what I’ve learned.

First, you have to pay attention. Changes often start as tiny, almost unnoticeable shifts. You might see them hesitate, struggle, or even get frustrated with something that used to be second nature. Don’t brush these moments aside. They’re clues, little breadcrumbs guiding you to what’s coming next.

Second, be ready to adapt, but don’t rush it. Sometimes the ability comes and goes for a while before it’s truly gone. In those moments, it’s okay to wait, to give them a chance to try again. But when it becomes clear that the ability is slipping away, step in with love and without hesitation.

And then, there’s the grief. Let yourself feel it. It’s okay to mourn the loss of an ability, to be sad that the person you love is changing in ways you can’t control. Dr. Stephanie Collier from Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital puts it beautifully: “Recognizing your anger or grief is not a failure—it’s an acknowledgment of your humanity. And perfection is impossible.” As caregivers, we need to give ourselves permission to grieve, to feel, and to release the idea that we must always hold it together​.  But alongside that grief, try to find gratitude. Be grateful for the moments you’re able to step in, to be their safety net, to show them love in such a tangible way. Caregiving is like a tightrope walk between sorrow and joy. On one side is the weight of loss; on the other is the beauty of presence. Let yourself lean into both.

This kind of caregiving requires emotional strength. It’s not just about physical tasks—it’s about carrying the weight of those changes while continuing to show up. And if there’s one thing I want you to hear, it’s this: you’re not alone in feeling that grief. It’s real, and it’s okay to acknowledge it.

Looking back, I realize that every time I had to adapt to a new change, I grew stronger. I learned to see the signs earlier, to act with more confidence, and to grieve without letting it consume me. But that strength doesn’t mean I didn’t feel the weight of it all—it means I learned how to carry it.

If you’re navigating these kinds of changes right now, remember to give yourself grace. You’re human, and this is hard. But you’re also capable of incredible love and resilience. And in those moments when the grief feels overwhelming, take comfort in knowing that your presence, your love, and your willingness to adapt are making all the difference.

So keep going, one change at a time, one moment at a time. You’re stronger than you think, and the love you’re giving is something extraordinary.  If this episode talked to you in any way, please share it with another caregiver. Thank you for listening. Until next time, be kind to yourself dear caregiver.