Caregiver Secrets

S2 Ep 11 - The Secret to Saying Yes to Help (and No to Guilt)

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. I am so grateful for you and I thank you for joining me today. I’m so glad you’re here. I don’t think it is an accident that you are listening to this episode, so please pay close attention. Today, we’re diving into a topic that hits close to home for many caregivers: The Secret to Saying Yes to Help (and No to Guilt).
As always, please remember that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you’re dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
Let me ask you this: When was the last time you said yes to help without feeling like you owed someone an explanation—or an apology? For many caregivers, saying yes to help feels like admitting defeat, like waving a white flag in the battle of caregiving. But here’s the truth: accepting help is not weakness; it’s wisdom.
Imagine a caregiver named Linda. She’s been caring for her dad, who has advanced dementia, for over three years. One day, a neighbor offers to sit with her dad so she can run errands. Linda’s first instinct is to smile politely and decline. “I’ve got it,” she says, even though she hasn’t had a moment to herself in weeks. Why did she say no? Guilt. Somewhere deep down, she felt that asking for—or accepting—help meant she wasn’t doing enough.
If you’ve ever felt like Linda, you’re not alone. Guilt is a relentless companion for caregivers, whispering lies like, “If you were a better caregiver, you wouldn’t need help,” or, “They’ll think you’re selfish if you take time for yourself.” But guilt, as powerful as it feels, doesn’t have to control you.
Let’s start with a simple truth: No one can do this alone. Caregiving is not a solo marathon; it’s a relay race. Passing the baton doesn’t mean you’re giving up—it means you’re giving yourself the strength to keep going. Studies have shown that caregivers who seek and accept help experience lower stress levels, better mental health, and even improved relationships with their loved ones. Why? Because they’re not running on empty.
So how do we move from guilt to grace? It starts with reframing the story we tell ourselves. Instead of thinking, “I’m failing by asking for help,” try this: “I’m honoring my loved one by staying healthy and strong enough to care for them.” It’s not selfish to take care of yourself; it’s essential.
One way to start saying yes is to create a “help wish list.” Write down tasks that others can help with—things like grocery shopping, meal prep, or even sitting with your loved one for an hour. That way, when someone offers, you’re ready to say, “Actually, yes, I could really use help with…” Be specific. Most people genuinely want to help but don’t know how, and a clear request makes it easier for them to step in.
Let me share another story. Mark, a caregiver for his wife with Alzheimer’s, struggled with guilt every time he left the house. But after joining a caregiver support group, he realized something profound: by letting a friend or family member help, he was giving them an opportunity to express their love and care. It wasn’t just about easing his burden; it was about building a village of support around his wife. That shift in perspective changed everything for him.
Another key to saying yes to help is practicing gratitude without obligation. When someone helps, a simple “thank you” is enough. You don’t owe them an explanation, a favor in return, or an elaborate apology. Gratitude should be freeing, not binding.
And what about when no one is offering to help? That’s where advocacy comes in. It’s okay to reach out and ask. Start with your inner circle—friends, family, neighbors—and expand outward to community resources like local caregiving organizations or faith groups. Remember, asking for help is not imposing; it’s inviting others to be part of the journey.
Let’s not forget the importance of professional help. Hiring respite care or using adult day services can be a game-changer. It’s an investment not just in your well-being but in your ability to provide the best care for your loved one.
As we close today, let me leave you with this thought, you were never meant to carry this weight by yourself. Every time you say yes to help, you’re saying yes to your own health, sanity, and strength. And that’s not selfish—it’s survival.
If today’s episode resonated with you, please share it with another caregiver who might need to hear these words. And don’t forget to join our Facebook community at https://bit.ly/CaregiverSecretsOnFacebook, where we share stories, tips, and encouragement. Together, we can build a village of support and make this journey a little lighter.
Until next time, take care of yourself and your loved one. You are doing incredible work, and you’re not alone. You’ve got this.
 

S2 Ep 10 - After the Storm_ How Caregivers Can Recover and Reconnect After Aggression

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Thanks for joining me today, and I’m so glad you’re here. Today, we’re wrapping up our 5-part series, Navigating Aggression as a Dementia Caregiver. I trust you’ve gained insights and gathered new tools throughout this series.
Also, please remember that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you’re dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
As we conclude this series, I want to focus on something deeply personal and vital: how to recover after an aggressive episode. These moments can feel like storms—unpredictable, overwhelming, and emotionally draining. But recovery, both for you and your loved one, is not only possible but essential for moving forward.
Imagine this: A caregiver named Sarah has just experienced a difficult episode with her dad, who has dementia. He became angry, yelling at her and knocking over a chair. The storm passed quickly, and he’s now sitting quietly, unaware of the impact the moment has had on her. Sarah, however, feels a mix of emotions—sadness, frustration, guilt, and exhaustion. She doesn’t know how to pick herself back up.
This scenario is all too common. When aggression subsides, it leaves a residue of emotions for both the caregiver and their loved one. The first step in recovery is to acknowledge what happened without judgment. Take a moment to name what you’re feeling. Are you angry, hurt, or simply drained? Recognizing your emotions allows you to process them instead of letting them fester.
Next, give yourself permission to pause. Step away, even if just for five minutes, to breathe and regroup. One technique that may be helpful in these moments is something called the grounding practice. Place both feet on the floor, take a deep breath, and say aloud: “I am safe. I am calm. I am here.” This simple act can help reset your nervous system and bring you back to a place of stability.
For your loved one, recovery is about re-establishing a sense of calm and connection. After an aggressive episode, they may feel unsettled or confused, even if they don’t show it. Approach them gently, with a soft tone and open body language. You might say, “Everything is okay now. Let’s sit together for a moment.” Offering reassurance without revisiting the episode helps them feel safe.
Sometimes, it’s helpful to engage in a soothing activity together. This could be as simple as holding their hand, listening to soft music, or looking through a photo album. Familiar and comforting activities can rebuild a sense of trust and ease for both of you.
But let’s talk about the harder part: the aftermath in your own heart. It’s easy to internalize these episodes, to replay them in your mind and wonder what you could have done differently. Here’s the truth: You are not to blame. Aggression is a symptom of the disease, not a reflection of your caregiving. Be kind to yourself. Extend the same grace to yourself that you would to a friend in your situation.
In Get Risen, I wrote an affirmation that feels perfect for this moment: “I am giving my best and passing life’s test.” Caregiving isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up, doing your best, and learning as you go. You’re already doing that, and it’s more than enough.
To recover fully, make self-care a priority. After an episode, consider these steps:
Talk it out. Share your experience with a trusted friend, support group, or even in our Facebook community at https://bit.ly/CaregiverSecretsOnFacebook. Talking about what happened can be a powerful way to release the weight of the moment.
Move your body. Physical activity, even something as simple as a walk, can help release pent-up stress and restore your emotional balance.
Journal your thoughts. Writing about what happened can help you process your feelings and identify what might help in future episodes.
Celebrate small victories. Did you stay calm during the episode? Did you find a way to reconnect afterward? Acknowledge these moments as wins—they matter.
As we wrap up this series, I want to leave you with a simple yet profound truth: You are stronger than you think. Aggressive episodes are tough, but they don’t define you or your loved one. They are moments—challenging ones—but you have the tools, the heart, and the resilience to navigate them.
If this series has spoken to you, please share it with another caregiver who might need these insights. And don’t forget to join our Facebook community, where you’ll find connection, encouragement, and support from people who truly understand.
Until next time, dear caregiver, remember: you are not alone, and your efforts are not in vain. You’re making a difference every day. Take care of yourself and your loved one. You’ve got this.

S2 Ep 9 - Calm the Storm: How to De-Escalate Aggression in Dementia Care

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Let me just say, for our repeat listeners, I am so grateful for you and I am confident that you will continue to grow by listening and applying those things that resonate with you. For our new listeners, I say Welcome and thanks for joining me today, and I’m so glad you’re here. Today, we’re continuing our 5-part series, Navigating Aggression as a Dementia Caregiver.
Also, please remember that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you’re dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
In today’s episode, we’re tackling a sensitive yet essential topic: how to de-escalate aggression when it happens. Aggression can come out of nowhere—one moment, your loved one is calm, and the next, they’re lashing out. In those moments, it can feel overwhelming and even frightening. But there are ways to manage these situations effectively, keeping both you and your loved one safe.
Let me start with a scenario. Imagine a caregiver named Elena, who is helping her mother get dressed for the day. Her mom struggles with the buttons on her shirt, growing visibly frustrated. Elena, hoping to help, steps in to assist. But her mother pulls back, yelling, “Leave me alone!” Elena is startled and unsure how to respond. She reaches for her mom’s hand, but her mother swats it away, escalating the tension.
What should Elena do? The instinct to immediately calm or correct her mother is natural, but in situations like this, it’s often better to step back—both physically and emotionally.
When aggression arises, the first step is to pause. Take a deep breath. Your loved one’s brain is already in a heightened state, and adding your own stress or urgency can make things worse. Staying calm in your tone and body language is crucial. Speak softly and slowly, using simple, reassuring words like, “It’s okay. I’m here to help.”
According to research from the National Institute on Aging, aggression in dementia often stems from fear or frustration. Understanding this can shift your perspective. Instead of seeing the aggression as an attack, view it as an expression of their unmet needs or inability to cope. For Elena’s mom, the frustration of struggling with buttons—combined with the vulnerability of needing help—may have triggered her reaction.
Once you’ve paused, the next step is to give them space. If the aggression is verbal, step back but remain in the room. This shows that you’re still there for them but not crowding them. If the aggression is physical, prioritize your safety. Move to a safe distance while keeping an eye on your loved one.
The third step is redirection. Aggression often burns out quickly when the situation changes. Redirect their focus to something soothing or engaging. For example, Elena could say, “Why don’t we take a little break? Let’s go sit by the window and have some tea.” This gentle pivot helps shift the energy away from the source of frustration.
Let’s talk about what not to do. Arguing or trying to reason with someone in the middle of an aggressive episode rarely works. Statements like “You’re overreacting” or “Calm down” can escalate their emotions further. Instead, validate their feelings. If they’re frustrated, acknowledge it: “I can see this is hard right now. Let’s take a moment.”
Another key to de-escalation is understanding your own triggers. As caregivers, we’re human too. If you notice that certain situations or reactions make you feel stressed or defensive, take note of them. Knowing your limits allows you to prepare and respond more effectively.
Here’s a practical tip: prepare a de-escalation toolkit. This could include a playlist of calming music, a favorite blanket or object, or even a snack they love. Having these items on hand can make it easier to redirect their focus in the heat of the moment.
And don’t forget to reflect after the episode has passed. Ask yourself: What might have triggered the aggression? Was it physical discomfort, emotional distress, or confusion? By understanding the root cause, you can take steps to prevent similar episodes in the future.
In Get Risen, there’s an affirmation that feels especially relevant here: “I am done with stressing because I am living in the blessing.” This doesn’t mean the stress disappears, but it reminds us to ground ourselves in the truth that caregiving is an act of love. The more we focus on responding with patience and grace, the more we create a safe, supportive environment for our loved one.
If you’re navigating aggression in your caregiving journey, remember: you’re not alone. These moments don’t define you or your loved one. They’re challenges to navigate, and with the right tools and mindset, you can handle them.
As always, I invite you to join our Facebook community at bit.ly/CaregiverSecretsOnFacebook. Share your experiences, learn from others, and find support among caregivers who understand exactly what you’re going through. If this episode was helpful, please share it with another caregiver—it might be exactly what they need to hear.
Until next time, take care of yourself and your loved one. You are doing extraordinary work, and your presence matters more than you know. You’ve got this.
 

S2 Ep 8 - The Hidden Triggers in Your Home: How to Prevent Aggression in Dementia Care

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Thanks for joining me today, and I’m so glad you’re here. Today, we’re continuing our 5-part series, Navigating Aggression as a Dementia Caregiver.
Also, please remember that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you’re dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
Today, we’re diving into environmental triggers—the often overlooked causes of aggression in dementia care. The space we create around our loved ones can either calm them or add to their confusion and distress. Let’s explore how simple changes in their environment can reduce aggression and create a sense of safety.
Imagine this: A caregiver named Tony is helping his father, who has Alzheimer’s, get ready for the day. The morning starts with loud music blaring from the TV, bright lights flashing in the kitchen, and his father’s favorite chair cluttered with clothes. As Tony gently encourages his father to get dressed, his father becomes agitated, yelling, “Leave me alone!” Tony is stunned. What happened?
The truth is, Tony’s father wasn’t reacting to Tony. He was reacting to his environment. The noise, clutter, and overwhelming stimuli made him feel disoriented and unsafe, triggering his aggression. This kind of scenario is common, but the good news is, it’s also preventable.
According to the Alzheimer’s Association, a person with dementia processes their environment differently. Things that we filter out without a second thought—background noise, changes in lighting, or even unfamiliar objects—can be overwhelming for them. Their brain is working hard to make sense of the world, and when it can’t, frustration and fear take over.
Let’s start with noise. Loud or sudden sounds can trigger an aggressive response because they startle the person or make it difficult for them to focus. Instead, aim for a calm auditory environment. Play soft, familiar music or use white noise to create a soothing atmosphere. Avoid having the TV on as background noise; it can be confusing and overstimulating.
Lighting is another critical factor. Bright, harsh lights can feel invasive, while dim lighting may create shadows that seem threatening. Try to keep lighting soft and even, especially in spaces where your loved one spends most of their time. Natural light is ideal when possible, as it can improve mood and reduce confusion.
Then there’s clutter. A messy environment can make it harder for someone with dementia to navigate their surroundings. Clear pathways, minimize decorations, and keep familiar items like their favorite blanket or photo album within reach. Familiarity is a source of comfort, and reducing visual distractions can help your loved one feel more at ease.
Another trigger to consider is the unpredictability of the environment. A routine that feels consistent and predictable can reduce anxiety and prevent outbursts. For example, if a meal is always served at the same time or their favorite chair is always in the same spot, it can create a sense of stability.
Sometimes, it’s not just what’s in the environment but how you introduce changes to it. If you’re moving furniture or switching their bedroom, involve them in the process as much as possible. Even small changes should be explained calmly and gently.
Let’s go back to Tony’s story. What could he have done differently? He might have started the morning with soft music his father loved, cleared the clutter from the living room, and avoided rushing him through his morning routine. By controlling the environment, Tony could have helped his father feel safe and secure, reducing the chance of an aggressive reaction.
One affirmation from Get Risen comes to mind: “I am creating every day, and I am seeing what I say.” As caregivers, we have the power to create environments that speak peace, comfort, and security into the lives of those we care for.
If you’re noticing aggression in your loved one, take a step back and assess their surroundings. Ask yourself:
Is there too much noise or chaos?
Is the lighting soothing and consistent?
Is the space cluttered or overwhelming?
Are there familiar objects that bring comfort?
Remember, caregiving isn’t about getting it perfect. It’s about observing, adjusting, and showing up with love. Small changes in the environment can lead to big changes in behavior.
As we wrap up, I encourage you to take a look at your loved one’s environment today. What’s one small change you can make to create a more calming space? It might surprise you how much of a difference it makes.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with another caregiver who might need these insights. And don’t forget to join our Facebook community at bit.ly/CaregiverSecretsOn Facebook, where you can connect with others, share your experiences, and learn from one another.
Until next time, take care of yourself and your loved one. You’re making a difference every day, and you’re not alone on this journey. You’ve got this.

S2 Ep 7 Words That Calm or Trigger Navigating Aggression in Dementia Care

Welcome back. I am so pleased you decided to join me today for another episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. For those of you who are new to the podcast, my name is Reggie, and I am glad you are here today. To my longtime listeners, I say thank you for listening and I am happy that we can spend this time together. As a fellow family caregiver for over 10 years, I am here to share experiences and insights that have kept me moving forward through the good times and the challenges.
 
Today we are continuing our 5 part series called Navigating Aggression as a Dementia Caregiver. If you didn’t listen to yesterday’s episode, please consider checking that one out after you listen to this one. I believe it will really help you.
Before we go any further, please note that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you are dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
Let’s dive in. Imagine this: your loved one is having a moment of forgetfulness. They’re looking for their car keys, but you know they haven’t driven in years. Frustrated, you blurt out, “You already gave up driving, remember?” Suddenly, their expression shifts—anger flashes across their face, and they snap back at you. What just happened?
Words like “remember” or “you already” can be landmines for someone with dementia. These phrases might seem harmless to you, but for them, they can feel accusatory or belittling. Memory loss isn’t something they can control, and being reminded of it can evoke fear, embarrassment, or even anger. So, how do we approach these moments with empathy and care?
Let’s look at a few phrases to avoid and what to say instead.
One of the biggest offenders is: “Don’t you remember?” This question, while innocent on the surface, is like shining a spotlight on their memory loss. A better approach might be to gently reframe the situation. For example, if they ask about a family gathering that already happened, instead of saying, “Don’t you remember? We went last week,” you could say, “That was such a nice day, wasn’t it? Everyone enjoyed seeing you.”
Another phrase to avoid is: “You’re wrong.” Correcting someone with dementia, especially when they are already confused, can escalate tension. Imagine a man with dementia who insists his deceased brother is coming for lunch. Telling him, “That’s not possible—he passed away years ago,” can cause heartbreak and confusion to resurface as if it were new. Instead, try validation. You might say, “Tell me more about your brother. What was he like?” This keeps the peace while redirecting the conversation to something comforting.
And then there’s the classic: “You just asked me that.” Repetition can be frustrating for a caregiver, but remember, it’s not intentional. Responding with warmth and patience, even if it’s the tenth time they’ve asked, helps avoid unnecessary conflict. You could say, “Let me tell you again—it’s at 3 o’clock.”
Hypothetical stories can illustrate these points further. Imagine a caregiver named Laura helping her mom prepare lunch. Her mom insists that her long-dead mother will be joining them. Instead of saying, “Mom, Grandma’s been gone for 20 years,” Laura gently asks, “What do you think Grandma would want for lunch today?” This small shift diffuses potential aggression and keeps the interaction calm and connected.
Why does this matter so much? According to the Alzheimer’s Association, many aggressive behaviors in dementia stem from emotional triggers like fear, frustration, or a perceived threat. The wrong words can amplify these feelings, while the right words can create a sense of safety and trust.
This is where prevention comes in. Pay attention to your tone, timing, and even body language. A calm voice and open posture can soften your words, while impatience or frustration can make even the gentlest phrases feel harsh.
In Get Risen, I shared this affirmation: “I am creating every day, and I am seeing what I say.” The words we speak shape the reality we create for our loved ones. When we choose words of kindness and validation, we’re not just avoiding aggression—we’re building a bridge of connection.
If today’s episode resonates with you, I encourage you to practice rephrasing in your daily caregiving interactions. Pay attention to how your loved one reacts to different approaches, and don’t be afraid to try again if something doesn’t work. Caregiving is a journey of learning and adjusting.
And as always, remember, you’re not alone in this. Join our Facebook community at bit dot lee forward slash Caregiver Secrets On Facebook dot com, to share your experiences, ask questions, and connect with others who understand what you’re going through. If this episode was helpful, please share it with another caregiver who might need to hear it. Together, we can navigate this journey with love, patience, and grace.
Until next time, take care of yourself, dear caregiver. You are doing incredible work, and you are not alone.

S2 Ep 6 - When Fear Turns to Aggression: The Hidden Triggers Every Caregiver Must Know

 
Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Hi, my name is Reggie, and I am glad you are here today. I am a fellow caregiver and have been for over 10 years. I say that to let you know that I am right there alongside you on this caregiver journey.
 
Today we will be starting our 5 part series called Navigating Aggression as a Dementia Caregiver.
Before we go any further, please note that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you are dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
When you think about caring for a loved one with dementia, aggression isn’t usually the first thing that comes to mind. It’s unexpected, unsettling, and, let’s face it, it’s downright heartbreaking. Imagine this: you’re helping your loved one get ready for the day. Everything seems normal until suddenly, they lash out—yelling, maybe even striking your arm. It feels like the ground beneath you has shifted. Where did this come from? What did I do wrong?
The truth is, you didn’t do anything wrong. Aggression in dementia isn’t about you. It’s often a response to fear, confusion, or pain. These emotions can overwhelm a person who is already struggling to understand a world that no longer makes sense. Their actions, as hard as they are to experience, are rooted in the disease—not in who they are or were.
When my mom was first diagnosed with dementia, she was the sweetest soul you could imagine. But as the disease progressed, there were moments when she would yell, “Get out of my house!” It stunned me. My first instinct was to freeze, and then I’d quietly step away. I didn’t know what else to do. But I started to notice something. If I left for a few minutes and came back, her anger was gone, as if nothing had happened. Over time, I realized her aggression wasn’t about anger—it was fear. For that brief moment, she didn’t recognize me, didn’t feel safe, and her brain responded with fight or flight.
I started to use those five minutes to reset myself, too. I’d take a breath, remind myself that her fear was not her fault, and return to her with a calm presence. Eventually, I shared this technique with other caregivers on my team, and it worked for them as well. Sometimes, all it takes is a little space for both you and your loved one to reset.
So why does aggression happen? Let’s break it down. According to research from the National Institute on Aging, aggression often stems from three main triggers: fear, pain, or confusion. Fear might come from not recognizing their environment or the people around them. Pain, which they may not be able to articulate, could be physical—like arthritis—or emotional, like the loss of independence. Confusion arises when they don’t understand what’s happening, such as being asked to do something they no longer remember how to do.
But knowing why it happens is only part of the solution. The real question is, how do you respond? The first step is to take a breath. Your instinct might be to react immediately—whether with words or by trying to stop the behavior—but in these moments, staying calm is your superpower. Your calmness can help de-escalate the situation and prevent it from escalating further.
Next, try to evaluate what’s triggering the aggression. Is the environment too noisy or overstimulating? Are they in pain? Have they been startled? Understanding the root cause allows you to approach the situation with compassion rather than frustration. For example, if you suspect pain, gently ask, “Does anything hurt?” or try to observe their body language. If it’s fear, step back, give them space, and reintroduce yourself if needed.
Another key strategy is prevention. While you can’t stop every episode of aggression, you can reduce the likelihood by creating a calm and predictable environment. If you know a doctor’s visit might overwhelm them, plan ahead. Bring something comforting—a familiar blanket, soft music, or even a snack they love.
I know how hard this can be. Watching someone you love lash out, knowing it’s the disease and not them, doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, even angry. But don’t let those feelings isolate you. Share what you’re going through with someone who understands—whether it’s a friend, a caregiver support group, or our Facebook community at bit, dot, Lee, forward slash Caregiver Secrets On Facebook. You’re not alone in this.
I’ll leave you with this: when aggression happens, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present. It’s about showing up with love and doing the best you can in that moment. Caregiving isn’t easy, but it is powerful. Every moment you choose love over frustration, patience over anger, and understanding over judgment, you are making a difference.
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another caregiver who might need to hear these words. Join our community on Facebook for more support and encouragement. Together, we can navigate this journey with grace and strength. Until next time, take care of yourself, dear caregiver. You’re stronger than you think, and you’re never alone.
 

S2 Ep 5 Breaking Free: A Caregiver's Guide to Beating Depression Before It Wins

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Hi, my name is Reggie, and I am glad you are here today. I am a fellow caregiver and have been for over 10 years. I say that to let you know that I am right there alongside you on this caregiver journey.
Before we go any further, please note that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you are dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
Caregivers, let’s take a moment to talk about an adversary that often lurks in the shadows of our caregiving journey: depression. It’s not just a passing sadness or fatigue—it’s a heavy cloud that can settle over even the strongest among us. Today, we’re shedding light on this silent intruder, examining why it shows up, and equipping you with strategies to stand firm and fight back.
Depression among caregivers is alarmingly common. In fact, studies reveal that about one in three caregivers report symptoms severe enough to be classified as clinical depression. These aren’t just statistics—they represent real people navigating immense emotional and physical burdens. The stakes are high, and depression isn’t just an emotional struggle; it’s a risk factor for physical health decline, impaired caregiving ability, and even premature death.
Why are caregivers so vulnerable to depression? The answer lies in a complex web of circumstances. First, there’s the sheer amount of work involved. Caregivers often clock 40, 80, or even more hours per week tending to loved ones, sometimes at the cost of their own rest, relationships, and careers. Add to this the emotional toll of watching someone you love struggle with dementia or other chronic illnesses—anger, confusion, grief, and helplessness—and it’s clear how easily the weight becomes overwhelming.
Specific caregiving scenarios further increase the risk. Caring for individuals with severe dementia, especially those exhibiting behavioral issues like aggression or nocturnal wakefulness, compounds stress levels. Living with the care recipient—a reality for many—further amplifies these risks.
Interestingly, even factors like ethnicity play a role. Studies show higher rates of depression among caregivers of Hispanic patients compared to Black or White caregivers, pointing to cultural, social, and resource-related influences.
 
Depression doesn’t always announce itself. It can creep in quietly, disguised as irritability, constant fatigue, or physical aches. Here are key signs to watch for:
Persistent sadness or hopelessness
Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
Changes in appetite or sleep patterns
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Physical symptoms like headaches or chronic pain without a clear cause
Recognizing these signs early is critical. Depression thrives in silence, so naming it is the first step in diminishing its power.
Fighting depression as a caregiver isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely possible. Let’s talk about a battleplan with actionable strategies:
Build Your Support Network.
 Isolation is depression’s best friend. Seek support from family, friends, and local caregiving groups. Online forums and virtual support groups can also be a lifeline.
Set Realistic Expectations.
 Caregiving often demands perfection, but no one can do it all. Acknowledge your limits and set achievable goals. This will help you focus on what’s truly important.
Prioritize Your Health.
 Schedule regular checkups. Stay physically active, even if it’s a short daily walk. Prioritize quality sleep and nutritious meals. These basics form a strong foundation for resilience.
Seek Professional Help.
 Therapy isn’t just for the care recipient—it’s for you too. A therapist can help you process emotions, develop coping strategies, and even tackle feelings of guilt or resentment.
Leverage Resources.
 Take advantage of respite care programs. Many organizations provide short-term relief, allowing you to recharge without guilt. Explore resources offered by local agencies on aging or dementia care initiatives.
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Practice Mindfulness and Gratitude.
 Even a few minutes a day of mindfulness meditation or journaling about things you’re grateful for can shift your perspective and lighten your mental load.
Educate Yourself.
 Understanding your loved one’s condition can demystify their behavior and help you respond with patience and confidence. Knowledge is empowering.
Caregivers, you are not alone in this fight. Depression is a formidable adversary, but you have allies, tools, and the inner strength to rise above it. By acknowledging the challenges, seeking help, and arming yourself with strategies, you can protect both your mental health and your ability to provide care.
You’re doing heroic work, and it’s okay to admit when it feels heavy. The most courageous thing you can do is take steps to care for yourself as fiercely as you care for your loved one. Together, we can face this challenge—and win.

S2 E4 - When Your Loved One Loses Abilities: Will You Break or Break Through Caregiver?

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Hi, my name is Reggie, and I am glad you are here today. As a caregiver for my mom for over 10 years let me just say, I get you and I see you. If you feel invisible sometimes, know that you are not invisible to me. I share your struggles and your joys on this amazing, wonderful, challenging and sometimes frustrating caregiving journey.
Before we go any further, as always, please note that none of my episodes, from the beginning of this podcast until the end is to be considered medical, financial, health or any other type of advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you are dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can and share my knowledge but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
Let’s get into this today. When you're a caregiver for someone with dementia, one of the hardest things to face is the slow, relentless loss of abilities. These changes don’t announce themselves all at once; they sneak in little by little, and before you know it, life looks completely different. Today, I want to talk about handling those changes—how to recognize them, adapt to them, and navigate the emotions that come with them.
Let me share a story about my mom. There was a time when she started to lose the ability to use a fork and spoon. Now, it didn’t happen overnight. At first, it was small things. She’d be in the middle of a meal, and suddenly, she’d just stop. I’d watch her look at the fork, almost like it was unfamiliar, and for a moment, she didn’t seem to know what to do with it. Then, as if a switch flipped, she’d remember and carry on eating like nothing had happened.
That was my cue. Those little pauses were the signal that something was changing. I’m not one to write down the exact day and time when something shifts—I just know that slowly, those moments became more frequent. Eventually, the ability to use utensils faded entirely. And without missing a beat, I started feeding her.
Now, I wish I could tell you that was easy, but it wasn’t. Emotionally, it was hard. There’s a grief that comes with seeing someone you love lose even the simplest abilities. To this day, when I think back on those moments, I feel the weight of that grief. But at the same time, there’s this deep gratitude that I was there to help her, to step in and compensate for what she could no longer do.
Here’s the thing about these changes: they’re not just practical challenges; they’re emotional ones too. You’re not only figuring out how to help your loved one, but you’re also coming to terms with what this loss means for them—and for you.
So how do we handle these changes? How do we face the grief and adapt to what’s needed? Here’s what I’ve learned.
First, you have to pay attention. Changes often start as tiny, almost unnoticeable shifts. You might see them hesitate, struggle, or even get frustrated with something that used to be second nature. Don’t brush these moments aside. They’re clues, little breadcrumbs guiding you to what’s coming next.
Second, be ready to adapt, but don’t rush it. Sometimes the ability comes and goes for a while before it’s truly gone. In those moments, it’s okay to wait, to give them a chance to try again. But when it becomes clear that the ability is slipping away, step in with love and without hesitation.
And then, there’s the grief. Let yourself feel it. It’s okay to mourn the loss of an ability, to be sad that the person you love is changing in ways you can’t control. Dr. Stephanie Collier from Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital puts it beautifully: “Recognizing your anger or grief is not a failure—it’s an acknowledgment of your humanity. And perfection is impossible.” As caregivers, we need to give ourselves permission to grieve, to feel, and to release the idea that we must always hold it together​.  But alongside that grief, try to find gratitude. Be grateful for the moments you’re able to step in, to be their safety net, to show them love in such a tangible way. Caregiving is like a tightrope walk between sorrow and joy. On one side is the weight of loss; on the other is the beauty of presence. Let yourself lean into both.
This kind of caregiving requires emotional strength. It’s not just about physical tasks—it’s about carrying the weight of those changes while continuing to show up. And if there’s one thing I want you to hear, it’s this: you’re not alone in feeling that grief. It’s real, and it’s okay to acknowledge it.
Looking back, I realize that every time I had to adapt to a new change, I grew stronger. I learned to see the signs earlier, to act with more confidence, and to grieve without letting it consume me. But that strength doesn’t mean I didn’t feel the weight of it all—it means I learned how to carry it.
If you’re navigating these kinds of changes right now, remember to give yourself grace. You’re human, and this is hard. But you’re also capable of incredible love and resilience. And in those moments when the grief feels overwhelming, take comfort in knowing that your presence, your love, and your willingness to adapt are making all the difference.
So keep going, one change at a time, one moment at a time. You’re stronger than you think, and the love you’re giving is something extraordinary.  If this episode talked to you in any way, please share it with another caregiver. Thank you for listening. Until next time, be kind to yourself dear caregiver.

S2 E3 -The Emotional Release Every Caregiver Deserves (And Why It Changes Everything)

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. Hi, my name is Reggie, and I am glad you are here today. I am a fellow caregiver and have been for over 10 years. I say that to let you know that I am right there alongside you on this caregiver journey.
Before we go any further, please note that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you are dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
Caregivers, as we settle into the profound stillness of this moment, let’s talk about something deeply transformative: giving yourself permission to feel. This isn’t just a platitude; it’s a gateway to liberation, a powerful act of bravery. Too often, we caregivers lock our emotions behind the high walls of duty and expectations, thinking, "I don’t have time to feel this," or worse, "I shouldn’t feel this way." But suppressing emotions is like stuffing dynamite into a box labeled "handle with care"—one day, it’s bound to blow.
When you feel overwhelmed, cry out like the psalmist: “From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed” (Psalm 61:2). Here’s why emotional honesty is your secret superpower: Emotions are messengers. They signal what’s unresolved or what needs attention. Grief speaks of love that has lost its anchor; anger reveals a boundary crossed; guilt whispers of values violated or unrealistic expectations you’ve set for yourself. Each feeling carries wisdom, if only we dare to listen.
Take guilt, for instance. Oh, guilt—so familiar, so toxic, yet often so unearned. You feel it when you sit down for a moment’s rest, and it hisses, “You’re being selfish.” But guilt, dear caregiver, is often a liar. The truth is, taking time to recharge is not selfish—it’s survival. It’s the oxygen mask you must put on yourself before assisting others.
Now, about the anger you may feel—the sharp flash of resentment when your loved one doesn’t recognize your sacrifices, or when other family members seem to vanish into the ether. Anger is not a shameful visitor; it’s a signpost saying, “Something here needs justice or clarity.” Let it guide you to problem-solving, to conversations about sharing responsibilities, or to moments where you firmly say, “I need help.”
And let’s not forget joy. Yes, joy! Even in caregiving, joy is not a stranger. Joy blooms in the giggles you share over a forgotten punchline, the sparkle in your loved one’s eyes when they recognize your face, or the quiet satisfaction of tucking them in, knowing today, you did your best. Joy is your divine inheritance; claim it!
But how do you unlock this reservoir of emotion without being swept away by the flood? Start small. Set aside five minutes a day to ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” Say it out loud, write it down, or speak it in prayer. If you don’t know what you feel, that’s okay too. Begin with, “I don’t know,” and let the words come.
As you feel, remember to breathe. Inhale peace; exhale shame. Inhale grace; exhale guilt. Trust the process, knowing that God sees your tears and collects them as precious jewels, each one a testimony of your love and sacrifice (Psalm 56:8). To nurture emotional honesty, I urge you to create a ritual—something that gives you the space to feel. Start a gratitude journal but don’t stop there. Include anger, guilt, and sadness alongside your thanks. Write without censoring yourself. It might feel messy, but that’s the beauty of being human.
Caregivers often believe they must be strong, unshakable, and serene at all times. This belief is isolating. Here’s the truth: strength is not the absence of struggle but the courage to face it honestly. When you allow yourself to feel fully, you unlock deeper reserves of strength. You shift from surviving to thriving.
I want to share something deeply personal. There was a moment, at about the second year in my journey when I felt utterly depleted. I was still new to caregiving, I was alone with no family nearby and I was handling caregiving all alone. I had poured everything into caregiving, but it never felt like enough. Up until that point I was soldiering along and taking every punch caregiving was throwing at me.  One afternoon though, caregiving caught me with an uppercut and I just had to let it out. I rolled up in a ball on my bed and just cried. And when the tears stopped, I felt lighter and strangely determined to move forward. The next day, I approached caregiving with renewed focus. That release wasn’t a failure—it was an important turning point.
If this resonates with you, take this moment to support your own healing journey by inviting others to join us here. Share this podcast with a fellow caregiver, a friend, or a family member. Let’s build a village, a sacred space where we hold each other up, swap wisdom, and remind one another that we are not alone.
Let me leave you with this challenge: every day this week, set aside five minutes to ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Name it without judgment. Hold it like a fragile treasure. Feel it fully and then decide what to do with it. Maybe you let it sit. Maybe you take action. The important thing is that you acknowledge it.
Let’s end with a mantra from Get Risen: “I am giving my best and passing life’s test.” You don’t need to get everything right; you simply need to give your best today. Remember, permission to feel is permission to heal. Together, let’s thrive. Until next time, go gently and feel deeply.

S2 Ep 2 -The Resilient Caregiver_ Bouncing Back When Life Knocks You Down

Welcome back to Caregiver Secrets, the podcast where we shine a light on the unspoken truths of caregiving and uncover the tools to help you not just endure, but truly thrive. Today, we’re delving into one of the most powerful traits a caregiver can cultivate: resilience. Resilience is your ability to bounce back when life knocks you down, and let’s be honest, caregiving throws some heavy punches. Whether you’re facing sleepless nights, difficult decisions, or the heartache of watching a loved one fade, resilience is the lifeline that will keep you moving forward.
If caregiving feels like juggling flaming swords on a high wire above a pit of hungry lions, you’re not alone. But here’s the truth: resilience isn’t about pretending the lions aren’t there—it’s about finding your balance despite them. Let’s dig into how you can build this superpower step by step.
 
Imagine you’re standing on the shore as wave after wave crashes over you. You can barely catch your breath before the next one hits. That’s caregiving in a nutshell. But resilience isn’t about bracing for impact—it’s about learning to float. It’s about building a life raft that can keep you steady when the waves rise higher. Let’s explore how you can cultivate resilience through three essential pillars: mindset mastery, emotional honesty, and the power of laughter.
 
Let’s talk about the 3 Pillars of Resilience
Pillar 1: Mindset Mastery – The Growth Mindset RevolutionResilience begins with how you think. It’s about shifting from a mindset of survival to one of growth. Psychologist Carol Dweck’s growth mindset teaches us that challenges aren’t roadblocks—they’re stepping stones. As a caregiver, this means reframing setbacks as opportunities to learn and grow.
For example, imagine your loved one refuses to take their medication. Instead of spiraling into frustration, take a moment to ask, “What’s the lesson here? How can I approach this differently?” This mindset shift isn’t just about staying calm; it’s about unlocking creative solutions. Maybe you discover they respond better to humor or need a softer approach during stressful moments. I know that I have had to do that countless times in my journey. Now, I will be real with you. I don’t always win this battle, however, after years of caregiving I am so much better at it now. If you struggle in this area, please don’t beat yourself up. It takes time.
Caregiving is truly a master class in adaptability. The unpredictability of your loved one’s needs forces you to innovate on the fly. A growth mindset reminds you that mistakes aren’t failures—they’re data. Every challenge teaches you something new, making you stronger and more capable each day. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about staying curious and willing to try again.
Here is a helpful Action Step that you can do right now. Create a mantra to reinforce your growth mindset. Say to yourself, “I am learning, growing, and adapting every day.”  Write that down today and put it up. Repeat this when the challenges feel overwhelming.
 
Now Pillar 2 is Emotional Honesty which includes the  Permission to Feel and the Freedom to Heal
Let’s be real: caregiving is an emotional rollercoaster. From love and gratitude to guilt and anger, your emotions run the gamut. Resilience doesn’t mean suppressing these feelings—it means embracing them as part of your journey. It also means learning to identify the different emotions. It is not uncommon to have emotions you haven’t felt before. This is ok. Reach out to other caregivers or caregiver support groups so they can help you put a name to this new emotion.
Listen, Scripture reminds us, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalms 30:5). E motional honesty starts with giving yourself permission to cry, yell, or grieve. These emotions are not weaknesses—they are evidence of your strength and love. Bottling them up only creates pressure that will eventually explode or worse, they show up as some type of malady in your body. Please do not bottle up your emotions.
Emotional honesty also means confronting the guilt that often plagues caregivers. Perhaps you feel guilty for resenting the constant demands or for wishing you had more time for yourself. These feelings are normal. Recognizing them allows you to process and move past them. Instead of judging yourself, practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that you are doing your best in an incredibly challenging role. To this day, I still remind myself that I am doing my very best and I am growing every day. I also allow myself to realize and verbalize that this is hard but I am strong.
Let’s take this Action Step: Start an “Emotion Journal.” Each night, write down one thing you felt that day and why. This simple practice helps you process emotions and identify patterns that need addressing.
 
Now Pillar 3 is your secret superpower, The Power of Laughter
Laughter is the ultimate resilience booster. It’s like hitting the “reset” button on your emotional state. A good laugh releases endorphins, lowers cortisol levels, and even strengthens your immune system. It’s not just a temporary distraction—it’s a physiological and emotional reboot.
Think back to a moment when you and your loved one shared a laugh. Maybe it was a silly comment they made or a lighthearted misunderstanding. Those moments are golden. They remind you that caregiving, while heavy, can also be full of unexpected joys. Even forced laughter, like in laughter yoga, can spark genuine feelings of happiness and calm.
Laughter also strengthens bonds. Sharing a laugh with others—whether it’s friends, family, or even an online support group—creates connection and intimacy. It tells you that you’re not alone in this journey, that others see you and understand your struggle.
I love this Action Step. Why not Build a “Laughter Toolkit.” Stock it with funny movies, stand-up specials, or a folder of hilarious memes. Whenever the stress feels unbearable, reach for your toolkit and let the laughter wash over you.
 
Now I want to give you some additional Practical Tools for Resilience
Daily Resilience Affirmation:Start each day with a mantra like this one from my book “I am living each day with joy and purpose so I easily take hold of the hidden surplus.” Speak it aloud with conviction to set the tone for your day.
Mini Breaks to Reboot:I want you to Take five-minute “micro-breaks” throughout the day. Use this time to stretch, breathe deeply, or simply sit in silence. These tiny pauses restore your energy and focus. Let me tell you, I do this all the time and these breaks are amazing emotion re-setters.
Connection is Key:Join a support group or schedule regular check-ins with friends who lift you up. Resilience thrives in community, not isolation.
 
I believe that at the core of resilience lies faith. It is the foundation of resilience. It’s the quiet assurance that you are not alone, that there is a greater strength supporting you. “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalms 46:10). Sometimes resilience isn’t about doing more—it’s about leaning into the stillness and trusting that God’s grace will carry you through.
When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment to pray or meditate. Let go of the need to control everything and rest in the knowledge that God sees your struggles and walks with you every step of the way.
 
Let’s talk about Maria who is a caregiver for her husband, who has advanced dementia. One morning, he didn’t recognize her. Crushed, she spent the day in tears. But that evening, she remembered a time when he playfully mispronounced her name, and she found herself laughing through her sadness. That laughter became her lifeline. It didn’t erase the pain, but it gave her the strength to face another day. Maria’s story reminds us that resilience isn’t the absence of struggle—it’s the ability to find light even in the darkest moments.
 
Resilience isn’t about being invincible; it’s about learning to rebuild when life falls apart. It’s about embracing your humanity—your strength and your fragility—and rising anyway. Remember, every caregiver faces challenges, but every challenge is an opportunity to grow stronger.
As you navigate this journey, know this: you are not alone. You are part of a community of warriors who rise, fall, and rise again. Keep going, keep growing, and most importantly, keep believing in your own resilience.
If this episode resonated with you, share it with another caregiver who might need a reminder of their incredible strength. And don’t forget to join us tomorrow as we explore the liberating power of emotional honesty.
You’ve got this my fellow caregiver. Together, we rise.